Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Top 100 Facts About Cătană Dan-Octavian (funny)

  1. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Catana Dan-Octavian and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  2. Catana Dan-Octavian was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  3. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Catana Dan-Octavian is on.
  4. Catana Dan-Octavian was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  5. Along with his black belt, Catana Dan-Octavian often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  6. Catana Dan-Octavian sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  7. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Catana Dan-Octavian"
  8. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Catana Dan-Octavian".
  9. Catana Dan-Octavian's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  10. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Catana Dan-Octavian.
  11. Catana Dan-Octavian is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  12. Catana Dan-Octavian used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Catana Dan-Octavian to go around.
  14. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Catana Dan-Octavian."
  15. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Catana Dan-Octavian always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  16. For Catana Dan-Octavian, every street is "one way". His way.
  17. Catana Dan-Octavian always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  18. Catana Dan-Octavian became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  19. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Catana Dan-Octavian while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  20. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Catana Dan-Octavian, 3. Cancer
  21. A man once claimed Catana Dan-Octavian kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  22. Google won't search for Catana Dan-Octavian because it knows you don't find Catana Dan-Octavian, he finds you.
  23. For undercover police work, Catana Dan-Octavian pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  24. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Catana Dan-Octavian.
  25. Catana Dan-Octavian can kill two stones with one bird.
  26. Crop circles are Catana Dan-Octavian's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  27. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Catana Dan-Octavian will beat his ass and take it.
  28. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Catana Dan-Octavian.
  29. Catana Dan-Octavian can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  30. Catana Dan-Octavian can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  31. If you spell Catana Dan-Octavian in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  32. If you work in an office with Catana Dan-Octavian, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  33. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Catana Dan-Octavian is worth 1 billion words.
  34. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Catana Dan-Octavian could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  35. Catana Dan-Octavian can tie his shoes with his feet.
  36. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Catana Dan-Octavian turned that wine into beer.
  37. Catana Dan-Octavian counted to infinity - twice.
  38. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Catana Dan-Octavian.
  39. Catana Dan-Octavian died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  40. Catana Dan-Octavian does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Catana Dan-Octavian goes killing.
  41. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Catana Dan-Octavian smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  42. Catana Dan-Octavian doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  43. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Catana Dan-Octavian would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  44. In an act of great philanthropy, Catana Dan-Octavian made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Catana Dan-Octavian is looking for it.
  46. Catana Dan-Octavian does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  47. Love does hurts. But not as much as Catana Dan-Octavian.
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Catana Dan-Octavian."
  49. Catana Dan-Octavian has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  50. Catana Dan-Octavian irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  51. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Catana Dan-Octavian can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  52. Catana Dan-Octavian can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  53. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Catana Dan-Octavian that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  54. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Catana Dan-Octavian.
  55. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Catana Dan-Octavian jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  56. Most people fear the Reaper. Catana Dan-Octavian considers him "a promising Rookie".
  57. Catana Dan-Octavian is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  58. Little known medical fact: Catana Dan-Octavian invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  59. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Catana Dan-Octavian roundhouse kick.
  60. Once a cobra bit Catana Dan-Octavian's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  61. Catana Dan-Octavian is the only one who can "try this at home."
  62. Catana Dan-Octavian is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  63. People created the automobile to escape from Catana Dan-Octavian...Not to be outdone, Catana Dan-Octavian created the automobile accident.
  64. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Catana Dan-Octavian
  65. Catana Dan-Octavian and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  66. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Catana Dan-Octavian fight.
  67. Catana Dan-Octavian was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  68. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Catana Dan-Octavian with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Catana Dan-Octavian cannot be in two places at the same time.
  69. Catana Dan-Octavian's blood type is WD-40.
  70. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Catana Dan-Octavian *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  71. Catana Dan-Octavian's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Catana Dan-Octavian.
  72. Circles exist because Catana Dan-Octavian beat the crap out of some squares.
  73. Staring at Catana Dan-Octavian for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  74. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Catana Dan-Octavian's first visit to Tokyo.
  75. Police label anyone attacking Catana Dan-Octavian as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  76. Q: How many Catana Dan-Octavian's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Catana Dan-Octavian prefers to kill in the dark.
  77. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Catana Dan-Octavian didn't kill you in your sleep.
  78. Catana Dan-Octavian's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Catana Dan-Octavian will not take crap from anyone.
  79. The Bible was originally titled "Catana Dan-Octavian and Friends"
  80. The crossing lights in Catana Dan-Octavian's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Catana Dan-Octavian punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. Guns don't kill people. Catana Dan-Octavian kills People.
  82. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Catana Dan-Octavian.
  83. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Catana Dan-Octavian gets too hot.
  84. Catana Dan-Octavian is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  85. Catana Dan-Octavian can speak braille.
  86. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Catana Dan-Octavian.
  87. The easiest way to determine Catana Dan-Octavian's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Catana Dan-Octavian.
  88. The chief export of Catana Dan-Octavian is Pain.
  89. If you ask Catana Dan-Octavian what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  90. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Catana Dan-Octavian come off without a hitch.
  91. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Catana Dan-Octavian was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  92. The last man who made eye contact with Catana Dan-Octavian was Ray Charles.
  93. If you Google search "Catana Dan-Octavian getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  94. If Catana Dan-Octavian wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  95. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Catana Dan-Octavian. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  96. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Catana Dan-Octavian.
  97. Catana Dan-Octavian invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  98. The square root of Catana Dan-Octavian is pain. Do not try to square Catana Dan-Octavian, the result is death.
  99. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Catana Dan-Octavian was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  100. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Catana Dan-Octavian's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

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